Top tips: On leaving London and arriving in Minneapolis

1. Wear Chanel makeup
People, if you EVER need to make an anticipated teary farewell to friends (and a country) all of which you dearly love, look no further than Chanel. From their foundation to their powder to their blusher and mascara – with these on your quivering emotions' side, you will withstand the wear and tear of those big fat tears rolling down your cheeks and the multitude of (gentle) tissue dabbing by yourself and (more vigorous) dabbing by your partner. No red nose, no blotchy skin, no panda eyes – you will look a picture of perfect melancholy once you board the plane. This will avert any cabin crew's concern about a certain slightly crazed looking passenger (esp. when travelling to the US) and instead incite feelings of wanting to, say, bump you you up a class or something. (Alas, we clearly didn't look depressed enough, so had to make do with sympathetic offerings of extra pretzels.)


2. Although it's fun, do not follow the SatNav's drive simulator
So, you've arrived in the new country, it's about midnight your time, but 6pm local time and you've just hired a bigger car than you imagined you would. It has 4WD (for the snow, you know) and SatNav has also just been included into the package (just to avoid getting lost).  

With the car's engine purring and its heating pumping gently onto your slightly chilly feet, you drive around the rental car carpark a few (too many) times before you finally find the exit and are able to switch the SatNav on – carefully keying in the destination and then hitting 'GO' button! And seeing as you've never used a SatNav before it seems logical to also select the 'simulate drive' option and follow this as it gives you the instructions (in an Australian accent, how uncanny!) and seems to move along with the car. Plus, since it's dark and the car's a monster and you're driving on the wrong side of the road in the snow and you don't know really know where you're going and you're a bit tired – you take it sensibly easy. 

All seems to be going well, until, WAIT! the roads don't correspond, you seem to be in a big city with the same named streets but with the wrong layout. Everything seems familar (look! there are skyways!!). But not (I don't remember these buildings at all). And then you realise you're in the TWIN city of St. Paul and NOT in Minneapolis, but you never realised that 'twin' meant 'identical' in street names but all in the wrong orientation and that the drive simulator had driven faster than you. So, you'd been following the road turns and not the actual road names which meant you've ended up in completely the WRONG city.


You calmly pull over (swearing quietly) a few times after you finally realise your error, redirect the SatNav to the REAL destination in the RIGHT city and arrive with only minorly ruffled feathers and sweaty palms. And then, just to keep with tradition, you circle the block a few times to trying find the (damn) entrance to the resident parking in your apartment building, only because it's fun to drive in the snow.


3. Practice the 'when in Rome' theory

Do you remember those 80's American cop shows where some incredibly good-looking rookies sat around eating chinese takeaways late at night out of those fabulous folded white takeout boxes with little metal handles? Order them. It feels right... it might be only 9pm but with jetlag you've you've earnt it after a hard day on the beat chasing, err, the right streets. Noodles, chopsticks and the obligatory fortune cookie as you watch your new hometown football team fighting for glory on the TV. 

Congratulations, you're living like a local already. Now you can safely go and collapse into bed knowing that you've properly arrived.